When you think about aging parents most of the conversations seem to be around nursing homes - choosing the right one, guilt over placing a parent in one and such. What no one talks about is what you go through before that. When your parents are still caring for themselves, but might need a little help. Whether they realize it or not. My dad is fiercely independent. And while he’s amazingly capable at 90, there are some slips and he’d be the first to admit it. For example, choosing to take a shopping cart on an escalator may not have been his finest moment. In his defense, he was trying to save my mom a long trek to the elevator as she has a lot of back and hip pain. Unfortunately you can now add to that upper body pain because that decision resulted in a fall and a broken shoulder. Most decisions don’t end so dramatically, but they could. Dad goes to pick up New Year’s Eve dinner from a favorite restaurant as he has for years. But for some reason, instead of the usual lobster bisque, he brings home gumbo. Can’t explain why. Still, no big deal. They both forget having put things in the oven from time to time. So far, no crisis, but is it just a matter of time? All of this leads to some tense conversations between me and my siblings. My sister is adamant these are signs my parents need to move closer to her, five hours south, so she can check on them daily. My brother, like me, is a little more hands off but is also the one who lives closest. I am the furthest, a good 12-hour drive, so not only can I do the least on a regular basis, but I also feel guilty for being so far away. We all try to do what we can for mom and dad - my brother making the 45 minute drive over more often, my sister visiting every six weeks or so and me now committed to flying down as close to quarterly as I’m able. We do what we can for them around their apartment, though they tend to push off much of the help. We ultimately nod and smile while cleaning expired canned goods from the pantry or scrubbing toilet bases. When mom was recovering from her shoulder injury, my brother and I decided to either order food or bring a meal by every week. Now that she’s recovered, we’d still love to do that to give them a break, but they won’t have it, saying they’d rather we save those gestures for when they really need it. The same goes for a cleaning service - no dice. Because of this, I gave them a turbo-powered bath scrubber with telescoping handle for Christmas to which my dad shook his head and said "you know you’re near the end when this is your gift." You can’t win. Before it’s time to suggest they give up their license or consider looking into assisted living, there is all this. Which I was completely unprepared, though grateful, for because it means mom and dad are still with us, doing relatively well. But it’s hard. It calls upon skills all my decades have not yet produced. And it makes me see how sibling relationships can fracture. I’m sure we’ll figure it out. Just in time for it to change.
5 Comments
Carol
2/18/2018 06:59:49 pm
This hits very close to my heart. After my Mom passed and Dad was home alone, I started visiting my him weekly. It made sense to me, and I was physically the closest to him, less than 30 minutes away. I would go over on Sunday mornings after he got home from church and he would make us a great breakfast and I would clip his coupons and make sure he wasn't missing dealing with something in the mail or ordering his Rx refills. Then I would iron a shirt or two for him (he was still working part-time) Over the course of about a year and a half, this developed into an almost day long visit including laundry, cleaning, ironing, prepping meals at home to load into his freezer. It was clear to me that he was not managing on his own, but he just didn't see it. He had a cleaning service that came once a month and no matter how I tried to convince him she needed to come more often, he refused. What's more is that my siblings were in denial as well. One sister lost her husband at the age of 53 and was paralyzed by grief and overwhelmed with becoming the soul provider and single parent for their 12 year-old. My other sister lives 2,000 miles away and can generally get back east 2x a yr. My brother helped with the yard and heavy work, but the care and the witness of the slow decline of my Dad's ability to care for himself fell to me. He and I talked about him eventually moving in with me but his answer was 'when I retire, when I'm 90.' Yup.
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Dina
3/23/2018 07:17:40 am
I JUST figured out how to reply on my own blog! I really appreciate for the insights you shared. Lately, I've been feeling guilty of focusing so much on how close they are to needing help rather than enjoying them where they are. But I had to get here.
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Dana Meek
2/20/2018 07:51:26 pm
Great article. Having been through it myself and lost both of mine, embrace them and brace yourself.
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Eileen Murphy
3/21/2018 02:43:08 pm
Dina, I read this when you posted it last month and for me as well, it has hit close to home. I've been thinking on whether to comment, and thought that my story, thought depressing, might bring another perspective. My parents, mom 87 and dad 89, living in their house in NJ are also fiercely independent. Over the past 1.5 years, my siblings and I were noticing that my mom seemed to be declining in her mobility and some mental capacity, but they seemed to be doing ok together. We were all getting more concerned, made suggestions to them, but they refused any change. We didn't push back. On MLK day in January my mom had a catastrophic fall. She down fell a full flight of stairs backwards. She fractured her shoulder and had bleeding on her brain. It's been very difficult and very sad these past 2 months. After a week in ICU, she went to a rehab nursing facility and was quite miserable there. We brought her back home, but her mental state rapidly declined. Drs. think that perhaps the fall and brain bleed caused rapid onset dementia. She's been back and forth between home with 24/7 care and back to the nursing home when it gets too difficult. It's a harrowing time for everyone. Today was a very bad day. My sisters are looking for a new nursing home because she is just too agitated, combative and delirious to be home. I'm 5 hours away and have been there a few times, but its hard to be there as much as I wish I could. I know this story is very depressing, but in retrospect, I wish we could have done things differently and at least gotten them into some assisted living (no stairs). Now it seems to be too late. None of us expected it to end up this way. They seemed to be managing and we thought as long as they had eachother, they would be ok.
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Dina
3/23/2018 07:19:44 am
Thanks for sharing, and don't feel bad about the less than ideal place you all are right now. I think we all have to be prepared for the worst but, as they say, hope for the best. It's hard because we'll only go through this once. There's no training and nothing is standard. I will keep you all in my heart.
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